seventy-five times: a grief documentary
"You have to tell your story seventy-five times before you can truly grieve." - Anonymous
Telling one's story is an externalization of an inner trauma, and sharing that loss with another person creates a new connection. People need other people not only to recognize the pain and the loss that they have personally experienced, but also to share in the remembering of the life of their loved one. It is in the telling and retelling of stories that the memories of our loved ones live on. Grief can be a very alienating experience if one is unable to share it with other people. Often in American culture people are expected to grieve alone, to grieve quickly, and to get on with life.
For the past year I have been making a grief documentary that explores the ways in which different people have dealt with the loss of their spouse. The documentary consists of photographs, audio and text from interviews, and video footage of the widows and widowers who are involved with the project.
'Seventy-five times' investigates the ways in which we approach grief in our culture, focusing on the impact that the loss of one's spouse has on the life of the surviving partner. The goal of this documentary is to give widows and widowers the opportunity to share their experiences of grieving with others. The title of the documentary refers to a quotation that I read and found to be both poetic and moving. "You have to tell your story seventy-five times before you can truly grieve." Sharing personal stories of loss is important not only for the person grieving, but also for the person listening. However, often widows and widowers do not get this opportunity to share. The sensitive and heavy nature of the topic of loss often ends most conversations before they begin. This documentary allows listeners the opportunity to step outside of themselves and realize that they (or their partner) could die at any time. Understandably, this can be a very stark realization, which is why people often shy away from discussing the topic of loss. However, I believe that sharing these stories is so important because it recognizes that the person lost is loved, remembered, and missed. It also becomes self-reflexive in that it causes people to reflect on the value of their own lives and of the people they love both who have died and who are still here.
about the installation
"Empathy is your pain in my heart." - Mary Obey
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For the 2006 Undergraduate Exhibition at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, I adapted the documentary into an interactive sound installation that and involves viewer participation in the piece. The goal of this installation is to inspire viewers to experience the loss of another from a first person point of view, challenging them to confront the reality that they could also lose a loved one or their own life at any time. Experiencing the loss of another in the first person breaks down the barrier of 'subject' and 'other' that protects one from truly empathizing with the pain of another person's grief. In the installation, viewers are invited to sit in the chair and listen to widows and widowers tell their story about the loss of their spouse (there are speakers installed inside the chair, so that when one sits down one hears the audio clearly in his/her ears). On the table next to the chair there is a box of tissues. Each individual tissue has been hand silk-screened with the transcribed text of the audio in white ink. The white on white is difficult to read, which reflects the nature of the subject matter, which is difficult both to tell and to hear. However, the text is also beautiful and ethereal transforming this disposable object into something precious. These tissues are meant for the viewers to take, symbolically taking a piece of another person's story with them. Some people preserve the tissues as sentimental objects, while others eventually discard them, use them, or find them later crumpled up in the bottom of a pocket or purse. The tissues become a metaphor for death and grieving in that regardless of preservation, they will eventually disintegrate in time. However, the memory of one's experience with the piece will last much longer.
about the artist
Personally, I am not a widow. I lost my father at a young age unexpectedly in a tragic accident. He drowned in the ocean while trying to save my brother and myself from being swept away in a violent rip tide. My mother was widowed after only twelve years of marriage and left with two young children to raise by herself. Losing my father uprooted our lives; we had to move from our home and completely start our lives over. My mother has never remarried. She became very close with her brother, as we moved closer to where he lived for support after the accident. She also became very close with her children, for whom she has always been a very devoted mother.
This documentary is in honor of my mother, who struggled with her loss, but remained strong to help her children cope with their grieving. After many conversations with my mother about her experience of losing her husband, I am only beginning to understand what such a loss could be like. I hope that this documentary helps others to better understand the experience of becoming a widow or a widower, and encourages people to be empathetic and supportive of others who are grieving any type of loss in the future.
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